Green Medina

Last week I discussed what Islam has to say about codependency.

As a quick recap, Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which one person takes on the role of “the giver,” neglecting their own needs and well-being to prioritize the needs of the other person, who becomes “the taker.” I discussed how relying on a power greater than ourselves can be a force of liberation. And I elaborated on the topic in the context of Islam.

However, what does Buddhism have to say on codependency? I think many practitioners of both these paths will be fascinated to find how much they have in common, in particular, the focus on avoiding false attachments in life.

Buddhism, also known as Buddha Dharma, is a tradition/way/path/religion based on the teachings attributed to the Buddha, a wandering teacher who lived around the 6th or 5th century BC. In this article, I will focus on some of the key concepts in the Buddhist practice found in the eight-fold path, the four noble truths, and in the sayings and teachings of Buddhist texts.

Some key concepts in Buddhism that relate to codependency are the teachings on non-attachment, mindfulness, and compassion. Here are some key aspects of how Buddhism can provide guidance on overcoming codependent behaviors:

• Non-Attachment: One of the core teachings of Buddhism is the principle of non-attachment. According to the Buddhist traditions, the Buddha taught that attachment, or clinging, is a cause of dukkha (often translated as suffering or unease). In the context of relationships, this means not clinging to others for one’s sense of identity or happiness. Instead, Buddhism encourages individuals to release oneself from an attachment to pain or pleasure. Pain and pleasure are inevitable in life, since we are creatures with five senses. And yet suffering is optional. Suffering is the attachment that one makes to their pain. Desire is the attachment one makes to their pleasure. Only when we can live our lives without becoming overly preoccupied with avoiding pain or pursuing pleasure, can we begin the path to enlightenment and spiritual healing. This starts with not clinging to what others think about us. This is key because us codependents are often avid people pleasers.
• Mindfulness: Buddhism also emphasizes the practice of mindfulness, which involves being fully aware of the present moment without judgment. Right mindfulness is one of the factors in the eightfold path. In relationships, mindfulness helps individuals recognize unhealthy patterns, such as codependency, where one might be overly reliant on another person for emotional support or validation. By practicing mindfulness, we can become more aware of these patterns and take steps to change them.
• Loving-Kindness (Metta): Buddhism teaches the importance of loving-kindness, which involves developing compassion for oneself and others. In the context of codependency, loving-kindness encourages individuals to have compassion for themselves by recognizing their worth and setting healthy boundaries. It also involves extending compassion to others, not through enabling behaviors, but by supporting their growth and independence. Sometimes it’s far kinder to let someone hit rock bottom, rather then continuing to help them enable a bad habit. For some folks, rock bottom is the start of their growth and personal development. Speaking of which, that brings us to our next point.
• Self-Awareness and Personal Growth: Buddhism encourages self-reflection and personal growth. Through meditation and self-inquiry, individuals can explore their motivations, fears, and desires, including the roots of codependent behavior. Understanding these underlying causes can help people break free from patterns of codependency and cultivate healthier, more balanced relationships.
• Detachment with Kindness: While Buddhism advocates for non-attachment, it also teaches compassion and empathy for others. Escaping codependency does not mean becoming robotic or indifferent to the suffering of others; rather, it means relating to others with love and support without losing oneself in the process. It’s about finding a balance where one can care for others while also honoring their own needs and boundaries. Detaching with love is a key part of the process of recovery.

What do Buddhist Verses Say on Codependency?

While traditional Buddhist scriptures do not directly address the modern concept of codependency, there are several verses and teachings that can be interpreted in the context of overcoming unhealthy attachments and cultivating self-awareness and independence. Here are a few relevant Buddhist verses and teachings.

Bliss from Nibbana— The Dhammapada, Verse 204:

“Health is the greatest gift, contentment is the greatest wealth, a trusted friend is the best relative, Nibbana is the greatest bliss.” (Nibbana is what is realized when the clinging of greed, hate, and delusion is brought to an end. The Dhammapada is a collection of sayings of the Buddha in verse form and one of the most widely read and best known Buddhist scriptures.)

The Importance of Mindfulness — The Dhammapada, Verse 42:

“Whatever a foe may do to a foe, or a hater to a hater, an ill-directed mind inflicts on oneself a greater harm.”

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. Sometimes we are our own harshest critics.

This verse above highlights the dangers of an uncontrolled mind. On my path to recovery, one of the things that really helped was realizing that my thoughts aren’t always true, helpful, or even relevant. Sometimes your brain can lie to you. Sometimes it can make you want things that aren’t good for you. Learning to observe your thoughts critically as an impartial and unattached witness can be key on the path to healing. By cultivating a mindful and aware mind, one can avoid the traps of codependent behavior.

Release From Detachment — The Dhammapada, Verse 5:

“Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal.”

While this verse directly speaks to hatred, it can be applied to the theme of codependency by suggesting that unhealthy relationships cannot be healed through further attachment or attempts at control. Instead, releasing attachment and cultivating love and compassion (without dependency) is the path to harmony. When your inner peace is no longer controlled by the results or impacts of an unhealthy relationship, you are on your way to healing.

Living With Love for All — Mettā Sutta, Part 6:

“Even as a mother protects with her life her child, her only child, so with a boundless heart should one cherish all living beings.”

The Metta Sutta (a discourse found in Buddhist scriptures) emphasizes unconditional loving-kindness and compassion. In the context of codependency, this teaching encourages individuals to boundless practice love and kindness without attachment or dependency, fostering healthy and supportive relationships that do not compromise one’s own well-being. Practicing self love and embracing a lifestyle of compassion and love for all beings helps release us from depending on a trauma bond as a sole source of love. It also reminds us that we alone are not someone’s sole support, but that they always have a Higher Power they can go to for this support as well.

These verses from Buddhist teachings can help provide insight into the importance of non-attachment, mindfulness, and compassion in relationships, which are essential principles for overcoming codependency and unhealthy attachments.

(This article was originally published on my Medium page, Striving for the Straight Path).